ooh, I feel a bit sick :S
I have my dance audition for university in two days. I haven't been nervous until now.
I just... it's not so much the getting into the course that worries me. I just want to know that I can make it, that I'm good enough. Sure, you can audition again, this isn't the be all and end all. Plus, going and doing this particular course isn't the only way to get to where you want to go. But... it's like the first step... and every journey begins with one step.
I haven't ever really wanted anything (anything worth something) like this. Everything else has kind of just led up to this. Other things aren't so important as what you want to do with your life. and I want to create, I want to dance and sing and act. I just... need to know that I can do it. I want to know I'm going down the right path. I want someone outside of my family, my friends, my school to see that I can do it (to assure me that I really can).
I shouldn't be so nervous, whatever happens, happens and I can't really change that, plus, just because I don't get into this course doesn't mean that the future is bleak.
I just want to know I can do it.
grr...
deep breath.

                                                     

man, I feel wacky.
the world is all topsy turvy and nothing is kind of right... I don't really kind of know what is real and what isn't... hmm
I had a weird dream last night. In part of it I was sitting on a lounge in the middle of a city and noel fielding was sitting on another lounge and it was weird because he was being all serious. and he was saying how he left his old apartment and I was like. oh... why? and he said something about the people who owned it being christians lol and I was like, are you an atheist? and he was like all out of it and sad :( and I felt sad and then he started saying something really really serious (I can't remember what it was) and then all the scenery around us melted away and it was just like him really intensely talking like... I was getting a really serious message, then, like in a movie, my eyes zoomed in on his face and it became a statue and when my eyes zoomed out again I was in this other room... the rest of the dream wasn't really so interesting. but yeah. It was kind of intense... it made me feel a bit uncomfortable actually lol
and speaking of noel fielding, I read that article about his drug stuff. *sigh* nothing is really stable in the world. Noel Fielding going all dark, panic at the disco split up, lots of different people are dying, I can't really separate what I dream and what really happens... the most stable thing I've got right now is Russell Brand... now that's a scary thought...
back to study!

I feel like I'm stuck in a big glass box in the middle of everything. Like, everything is happening around me but I can't actually touch it, I can't interact with it. I don't want to leave my house and I feel pretty guilty a lot :S I don't like iiiiiitttttt
I dunno if it's because I'm just in a grumpy mood or whether things just aren't working well (I don't think that's it, I'm on holidays for heaven's sakes!) or whether I'm sad or something I dunno!
I just get panicked because about two years ago I was really... depressed (?) for a few months (which doesn't sound like much but it's not something which was particularly fun :P) and then last year I got really happy again and everything was easy for me and I was happy and motivated and everything started working out! but now... everything is working out I guess... but I feel that kind of... it's like you're sick. Like, you know when you're sick and then you distract yourself by reading a book or watching a movie but then you don't feel like doing that anymore or the movie ends and then you feel like you're going to vomit again :S. that's what it's like.
It really bugs me because I just want to be a happy positive person! I have a lot of guilt about stuff... not stuff that I deserve to be guilty about but it's like an evil emotion that always works itself in there haha
Before I thought maybe I enjoyed being sad like... some people think that it makes them more 'glamourous' or something but I'd just rather see all the good stuff! and it is like that I guess... I see something pretty and my brain goes, oh! how pretty! but then it kind of goes... oh. and deflates again.
*sigh*
or maybe I'm just bored :S that's just silly!

I can't decide what song to pick for my school talent quest/my university audition dance. at the moment it's between Ben Folds Five 'One Angry Dwarf', Patrick Wolf 'Hard Times' or Patrick Wolf 'Vulture' hmmm...

Exams make me think of shoes and overalls.
and going to sleep x_x

I've had a hard time the past couple of weeks and this is nice and pretty to cheer me up :)

yesterday I went to a play for drama about high school students performing shakespeare. It was at a uni near us where I hope to go next year and it was pretty good! plus, a lady came up and interviewed us for the radio. she asked something like 'what impact can young people have on the environment?' and I said something like 'we're more aware because it's such a prominent issue in our lifetimes so we are more likely to do little things because it's on our minds. we're also proactive because the issues are closer to affecting us (effecting? damnit!)' lol
and there were also these cool dancing people walking around with lace up boots and ballet skirts and cool leather/velvet jackets and stuff! and one girl had a blue kind of shower cap thing (like you know how they had in the olden days when they went to the beach?) haha I think it was to keep her hair dry but it actually looked cool on her :P
Anyway, it was a fun day :)

My raincoat is so evil, right?
If I were to attack you, I would scoop up some air out of the... atmosphere, and just chuck it at you and you would catch it in a little indent in your stomach like a basket or a... tummy bowl and then you'd scoop it up and go *nom nom yummy air*. You'd just politely gobble it up. Then you wouldn't be able to attack me because I would have nourished you. You'd just have to go "Thank you... You've filled me up will your tasty air bullets' then you'd dance off on your way.
But my raincoat, it would catch these little morsels of air in its zipper claws and zip them into tiny shards of diamonds which it would then sell...
on ebay.

Tis my 17th birthday tomorrow
( Have a picture... )

I think if my life was a song it would be 'Here Comes The Sun' by The Beatles

I have committed myself to a manifesto brought about by a pair of green pants.
The story goes that I went to a shop and they had the coolest pair of green 50s pants (high waisted, flaired at the bottom) which were a beautiful colour for me, fit me length-ways and across my waist and made my legs look sleek and slender.
I didn't buy those pants because I didn't think I would wear them because I'd be embarrassed.
Now I'm very sad at this decision. Because of this, I have decided that I will no longer not wear things because I'm afraid. I'm fairly certain my style is alright (well, at least people say I dress nicely) so I should wear what I want to. I figure, if you're a nice person, it doesn't matter what you're wearing, right?!
I went to the movies by myself the other day and saw The Boat That Rocked. I had a really good time! I got to the shops at 1:30 and the movie started at 2:15 so I waked to Starbucks and got myself a Tall Double Chocolate Frappacino (sp?) lol. It was so yummy! and the cream! (I love cream!!!) then I went into the theatre and read My Booky Wook until the movie started. It was good because I didn't have to worry if the other person was having a good time because there was no other person! it was very fun I felt like an independent young lady XD
We had a music recital at school last night and I played the theme from Schindler's List on the violin and people said it sounded nice which is good because it's a beautiful piece and I'd hate to think I murdered it :S
I also had to compere because I'm music captain and that was quite fun. Someone in the audience thought I was a teacher :P (that could be a compliment or an insult heehee, no, my teachers are cool :P)
But I'm going to have to go have a little sleepy now
Only one day of school left for this week! but like 8 weeks and a billion assignments/exams to go. I am so very over school *sigh*
I can't wait to leave school and do stuff I actually want to do, oh well, not long to go now.
Nighty Night!!

I love donuts. I will not deny it.
They just melt in your mouth, they're sweet but not too sweet, soft but not soggy, fluffy and delicious. I love donuts.
The first time I had a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed donut I cried. This is what it's like for me.
I few years ago my friend (who is Polish) gave me some of her Pączki (it's pronounced ponzki I think)
YUM! They are these kind of donut thingies which are filled with jam or apples or preserves (kind of like jelly donuts... but better!) Soft, powdered and delicious. mmmmmmmmm

I always think that if you dress well, you look like people can eat you. When my hair looked nice a few weeks ago it looked a bit like caramel slice. The highlights were the caramel and the brown bits were the chocolate. I couldn't stop looking at my hair.
I tried to eat it a number of times. Medical teams were called and I've been sorted out now :P then I painted my toenails pink, blue and yellow and they looked like delicious lollies.
Thinking about all this now, it just sounds like I'm deliriously starved. Which may be true.
I need some donuts!
Anyways, I'm off to bed. I'm going to work on my assignments tomorrow and then probably go see The Boat That Rocked by myself aww.
last day of holidays :(
nighty night

Ephemeral is a lovely word.
Ephemeral.
Ephemeral.
Transient. and Beautiful.
The Ephemeral Life of a dancing butterfly
~
"I dreamed I was a butterfly, I didn't know it was me in the dream.
Then I woke up and I was me again.
Now I don't know whether it was me dreaming I was a butterfly or whether I am a butterfly dreaming that I am me."
- Chuang Tzu
~
The other day I was sitting outside and it was raining. And beautiful diamond raindrops adorned the leaves and it made me think about gumboots and ducks and Keats' 'Ode to a Grecian Urn'.
There is a quote from it which has been jangling around my head for months now ever since an Oxford professor recited it in a video where Russell Brand went to the university. He said ‘Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty.’
Now, when I heard that. I thought it was a good quote. It was good and meaningful but I don’t think I really got it. To use the words of Oprah, I didn’t have an ‘aha!’ moment with that particular piece of poetic scripture.

But when I was sitting out there in the rain watching life going by, I had my ‘aha!’ moment.

Recently life has thrown a lot of... curve balls you could say. Not only to me personally but to the entire planet I think. There’s a financial crisis going on apparently and there’s that global warming thing everyone seems very worked up over (that sentence came with added sarcasm for your reading pleasure).
When you turn on the TV you flip between murder show, to crime show, to a show about adultery, to a show about death, onto another murder show and then onto the news, the most horrorshow of them all.
People seem to be obsessed with throwing terrible images in other people’s faces. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it would be appalling to ignore the starving children, to ignore the ice caps melting, to ignore the bad things that are in the world but it gets a bit overwhelming when the only thing you have to look forward to when you switch on the TV is death, sex and tragedy.

It is through all of this that I got what Keats was on about.

When I first heard the quote, I searched for the meaning through the literal meaning of ‘truth’. I thought, “It is beautiful to see the truth? What if the truth is awful? Telling the truth sometimes causes more pain than keeping a secret.”

I was confused.

It wasn’t until I realised that pain and suffering are not truth.
Of course, they are true in a factual sense, no one can deny that bad things happen BUT they don’t stem from that truth of being a human. That sense of a need to love and to be loved. The spiritual intelligence we all have beneath our cell phones and eyeliner. The mystical fibres that connect us all!! (heehee)

When Keats said (or wrote) ‘Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty’ he really got it.
Little did he know that in the distant future someone would be sitting at home writing out a little analysis of his writing on a computer whilst referencing a talk show host and a comedian. Life is funny sometimes :)

I had another alternate reality dream. I was back in alternate London I think.
I was there on a school excursion and at one point there was a bus that my class was getting on and it had like dining tables and chandeliers in it and stuff, it was cool!
Then the other part I remember, I walked through the same markets as before except instead of being scary this time, they were so pretty and there were fairy lights everywhere. I walked past this big brick building which had teddy bear shops and knick knack shops inside. It had one of those hanging old-fashioned signs out the front and it said the name of the place. All I remember was the letter H. It was something like 'Harrogate's Hearth' (as in, it was a place name and then a kind of... noun. Not that it sounded anything like Harrogate's Hearth). so I looked in there but I couldn't go in because I started walking through this kind of... park/zoo. and it had all these beautiful street lights along the paths and at the very end of the park there was a pond with swans in it. I was there with a girl who'd lived in England for a while and she was telling me about it.
It was really pretty! and I don't think I was being chased this time.

Tonight I'm going to see The Who and the support band is The Counting Crows! yay!
however, i have an english exam tomorrow, a music practical exam (which I'm... nervous about :S) and a drama script (which I'm also about) to get through this week so darn :( but yay anyway! now onto a quick round of english before I go!